( well, johnny, she had not looked like that when they were kids, so he's not that offended? there had been plenty of years that he had coexisted with rika and the curse tangled between them, especially those in the beginning, that he had also been terrified of her. when it became apparent that she was more of a danger to everything around him, he then transitioned into being terrified of what she was capable of doing to others.
sometimes it hurts him to think about, but he had known her longer as a cursed spirit than he had as a human being. in all that time, he had stopped finding her frightening and monstrous as he had in the beginning. regardless of how she looked or how viciously she acted, it had always been in defense of him, out of her protective love for him. he'd loved her too, despite it all or perhaps because of it. sometimes he had selfish moments where he wishes they could have had more time like that together, but โ no. it had been right to undo her curse as soon as he realized he was the one that had put it on her in the first place.
he hadn't told johnny this wanting to shame him, or tell him off, or make him feel bad. at first he speaks on embarrassed reflex, scratching at the back of his head, )Fiancee... That makes it sound so formal... ( he has to take a moment to consider how to continue, and when he does, his voice is measured and gentle. )
She was, yeah. After she died, I - unknowingly cursed her, preventing her soul from passing on and keeping it close to me instead. But a year ago, I'd realized what I'd done, and I released her from that curse. She's... gone now. But, um - ah, I know it's a sad story, but it's okay. ( he smiles faintly. ) I got more time with her than I would have otherwise.
The "Rika" I just showed you now ... It looks a little bit like how she used to look, and it sounds like her, but I realized pretty quickly she's not really "in" there anymore. She... can't talk to me, the way she used to. I'm not really sure why I can still summon it, but - maybe it's something like something she left behind to watch after me.
( he shrugs. he isn't sure, and it's a perfect mystery to the other sorcerers at the jujutsu society as well. )
[ Johnny's a very guarded person, generally; Yuuta sharing something that must be so intimate is, once again, unexpected. Definitely not something he'd be doing, were their positions switched. Not that he could even explain Tusk if he wanted to. If he told Yuuta that he absorbed Jesus Christ's mummified arm into his body and had his soul summarily granted power through it, then he'd definitely think Johnny was crazy. Even Johnny feels like he might be sort of crazy. Instead, he just quietly listens as Yuuta shares his sad story.
So Rika is her, but not really her - not anymore. He's alone. Again, if their roles were switched... he doesn't know if he'd be able to say goodbye to someone like that. (Or maybe he's being sentimental. Axl Ro would have killed him if he was so unable to let go...) ]
... You were really okay just letting her go like that? [ a beat. ] I mean -- I guess keeping her with you was bad for her. That ghost didn't look happy. Still...
[ was Rika lonely, too? Is she in Heaven now, or something? Johnny isn't sure he believes in things like that anymore. He pauses, awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. ]
Uh... I'm sorry. That that happened to you. You don't have to talk about it or anything.
( he can be a little dense and obtuse sometimes, but in this instance, it's not as though he's ignorant of how personal the information he's sharing is. it's not very difficult to say, especially since his closest friends back home had been there and present for much of the unfolding of it. that, and... he'd hidden himself away for so long, only in the presence of other people when it was socially expected or demanded of him, that he'd unwittingly starved himself of the simple pleasure of speaking to another person about things that you were going through. he likes to act like the events of last year are all behind him, that he's suddenly climbed on top of the mountain of grief that he wandered around the base of for all of those years after rika's death, but... it's more complicated than that. grief is not so much like an obstacle that one overcomes โ it's a lifelong process, and one that can get a great deal easier with time, but there will always be small things and certain times that cause it to become harder as well.
so there's something bizarrely liberating to talk about it, but he also doesn't think he can make any sense of what rika is unless he explains some of the reason why the cursed spirit existed in the first place.
he smiles, the expression worn and gentle with the familiarity that time grants him when thinking about this. he decides... not to tell johnny that he had nearly gone with her. if maki's hand wasn't there to fall on his shoulder and stop him, with toge and panda at her side, there to entreat him to stay... it's hard to say what he might have done, what he might be doing now. rika had told him not to come to her side too soon, and he's doing his best to follow that directive, but โ he's sure she was sad to be separated from him as well, wherever she is now. )
I guess I learned that... sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
( it's natural for the heart to want the opposite. it's a blind, instinctual thing, desperate for comfort and fearful of pain. he had been the same as a child... he just also had the power to keep her with him by force. what he'd done to her had been violent and controlling, even if he had done it unknowingly and out of love. so her love had similarly become violent and controlling; it had hurt countless people, even killed others. he carries that guilt, along with the guilt of having done that to her in the first place. regardless, now is about the time that he does get at least a little self-conscious and awkward about foisting so much on a new friend. he shifts his weight from one foot to another, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with one of his hands. ) No, I'm sorry... It's not really an easy or pleasant story to hear, I know. It's just kind of hard explaining what "Rika" is without explaining where she came from.
Regardless, Johnny... I'm glad that you talked to me about this. Um, I'll be sure not to tell anyone about it. ( since he'd been so cloak and daggers about telling him, he has to assume he'd want to keep it down-low as much as possible...? )
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sometimes it hurts him to think about, but he had known her longer as a cursed spirit than he had as a human being. in all that time, he had stopped finding her frightening and monstrous as he had in the beginning. regardless of how she looked or how viciously she acted, it had always been in defense of him, out of her protective love for him. he'd loved her too, despite it all or perhaps because of it. sometimes he had selfish moments where he wishes they could have had more time like that together, but โ no. it had been right to undo her curse as soon as he realized he was the one that had put it on her in the first place.
he hadn't told johnny this wanting to shame him, or tell him off, or make him feel bad. at first he speaks on embarrassed reflex, scratching at the back of his head, ) Fiancee... That makes it sound so formal... ( he has to take a moment to consider how to continue, and when he does, his voice is measured and gentle. )
She was, yeah. After she died, I - unknowingly cursed her, preventing her soul from passing on and keeping it close to me instead. But a year ago, I'd realized what I'd done, and I released her from that curse. She's... gone now. But, um - ah, I know it's a sad story, but it's okay. ( he smiles faintly. ) I got more time with her than I would have otherwise.
The "Rika" I just showed you now ... It looks a little bit like how she used to look, and it sounds like her, but I realized pretty quickly she's not really "in" there anymore. She... can't talk to me, the way she used to. I'm not really sure why I can still summon it, but - maybe it's something like something she left behind to watch after me.
( he shrugs. he isn't sure, and it's a perfect mystery to the other sorcerers at the jujutsu society as well. )
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So Rika is her, but not really her - not anymore. He's alone. Again, if their roles were switched... he doesn't know if he'd be able to say goodbye to someone like that. (Or maybe he's being sentimental. Axl Ro would have killed him if he was so unable to let go...) ]
... You were really okay just letting her go like that? [ a beat. ] I mean -- I guess keeping her with you was bad for her. That ghost didn't look happy. Still...
[ was Rika lonely, too? Is she in Heaven now, or something? Johnny isn't sure he believes in things like that anymore. He pauses, awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. ]
Uh... I'm sorry. That that happened to you. You don't have to talk about it or anything.
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so there's something bizarrely liberating to talk about it, but he also doesn't think he can make any sense of what rika is unless he explains some of the reason why the cursed spirit existed in the first place.
he smiles, the expression worn and gentle with the familiarity that time grants him when thinking about this. he decides... not to tell johnny that he had nearly gone with her. if maki's hand wasn't there to fall on his shoulder and stop him, with toge and panda at her side, there to entreat him to stay... it's hard to say what he might have done, what he might be doing now. rika had told him not to come to her side too soon, and he's doing his best to follow that directive, but โ he's sure she was sad to be separated from him as well, wherever she is now. )
I guess I learned that... sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
( it's natural for the heart to want the opposite. it's a blind, instinctual thing, desperate for comfort and fearful of pain. he had been the same as a child... he just also had the power to keep her with him by force. what he'd done to her had been violent and controlling, even if he had done it unknowingly and out of love. so her love had similarly become violent and controlling; it had hurt countless people, even killed others. he carries that guilt, along with the guilt of having done that to her in the first place. regardless, now is about the time that he does get at least a little self-conscious and awkward about foisting so much on a new friend. he shifts his weight from one foot to another, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with one of his hands. ) No, I'm sorry... It's not really an easy or pleasant story to hear, I know. It's just kind of hard explaining what "Rika" is without explaining where she came from.
Regardless, Johnny... I'm glad that you talked to me about this. Um, I'll be sure not to tell anyone about it. ( since he'd been so cloak and daggers about telling him, he has to assume he'd want to keep it down-low as much as possible...? )