yuuta seems to accept johnny's advice, but he does so with obvious conflict written on his face. it's not that he's unaware of situations like these. he had been a ready tool of the jujustu society, both because it was expected as him as a student of their school but also because, as special grade, it meant there were things only someone like he could do. but as his teacher had told him, its higher-ups were overly conservative and reactionary โ the same old men that would've had him executed due to the curse that he bore a little over a year ago now ironically relied on him to carry out their judgments. gojou, as uncontrollable as he was due to his power, had been a rogue element to them, and he had passed that nature and that wariness on to his student. don't always trust those in power, especially those that have had it for a long time. they will rarely do what is in your best interest.
it feels different, somehow. it's not as though the sorcerers' struggle against curse users and cursed spirits wasn't important โ at the time that he'd been taken from his world, it had reached a point where it might result in a global extermination of all mundane, non-sorcerer people. they fought for similarly dire reasons here, but... they had so little information, so few resources, such scant direction. it makes him want to trust who they do have, but...
johnny is right. doing so would just open them up to risk. )
...Mm. ( he hadn't commented himself, but he had read dextera's Communion discussion on his doubts about the Pleroma. he understands. it's so hard to trust something you can't see, can't speak to, can't reason with, but... if they can't trust it, or what it stands for, then what's the point? ) You're right. I know. It's just - even if we don't trust in it, or in the resistance, or anything else... we at the very least need to try to trust one another. Us Aions allied under it. With what we're up against... We just won't have any chance unless we do at least that.
( his companion's comment about rika breaks through his sudden severity. his expression changes, growing warm and worn around the edges; an affection that has existed for so long that it has formed an impression in his expression, and one he falls into quickly at the sound of her name. ) Yeah. She hasn't let much happen to me in the last ten years, so - don't worry about me. I've always got someone watching my back.
[ he's still not really used to people who aren't Gyro taking him seriously; he looks a little surprised when Yuuta responds to his off-handed cynical comment with a thoughtful, earnest answer, having said it with the expectation that it would be brushed off. It's been a while. Johnny scratches his head, somewhat awkward, as he formulates a reply. ]
Yeah, well... I might be right, but you're not wrong, either. [ a small sigh, and he shakes his head briefly, dismissive. ] I'm just used to shit going belly-up when we get too cozy. Don't worry about it.
[ he's not too proud to admit that it colors how he sees things - he's well aware of it. Unfortunately, being aware of it doesn't mean he's been able to stop feeling like disaster's always right around the corner. But he knows it's in his head - or, at the very least, that not everybody has a disaster waiting. Besides, if nothing else, Yuuta's right that they don't have a chance alone.
He'd rather talk about Rika than what the right thing to do in their situation is. At least that topic has some concrete answers and isn't an existential threat. ]
You've had her for ten years? Damn... I've only had Tusk for a few months. [ he's not sure what to make of that really gentle expression on Yuuta's face...? one would think they were talking about his wife and not his Stand. Or, not Stand - what did he call it? ] You must be a really good "juju sorcerer," then.
( yuuta smiles another one of those smiles, soft, somewhat sad, and worn around the edges. )
I understand. I think you're right to be cautious. It's just that... I want to feel like I can trust you and the others. All of this - will become much worse, if that isn't the case.
( considering the fact that they have more than one reason to even suspect the very force that they were supposedly meant to represent... this is the baseline of what yuuta wants. he's out of his depth, fighting for some sort of spiritual ideal. but if he can picture in his mind's eye people that he has at his side and at his back, that he cares for and that he likes to think care for him... he'll be able to do just about anything. he just needs that much.
because they've all got disaster on the horizon, no matter what. there's only two boons that they have for that: the fact that they know it's coming, and the fact that they can work together to prepare for it.
he has to laugh. "juju sorcerer"... yeah, he tried his best. ) That's what I'm told. ( yuuta's humility prevents him from agreeing too readily, though he would at least admit that he's one of only four sorcerers that share his rank. his smile spreads, though it's the sort that does so more out of awkwardness than anything else. he chuckles, nervous. ) "Had her"... That's not really how I would put it. I mean, she was a cursed spirit for six or so of those, but I've known her since I was six... ( the plot thickens. )
[ yuuta, too nice to correct his incorrect attempt... he'll embarrass himself later with this
his nerves are apparent, and Johnny doesn't really grasp why, outside of plain old humility. The explanation doesn't clear up the reason, either. In fact, it only makes Johnny more confused. His brows pinch together. ]
Wait... what do you mean, she was a cursed spirit for six? You mean she was "something else" before she was a Stand...?
[ the idea of him developing a Stand naturally isn't totally outside of the question - Johnny hasn't met anyone like that, but that has to be how the Saint's powers appeared originally, right? - but the idea of someone or something turning into one is. Maybe they're not as similar as he thought, after all. ]
( alas, the poison is always in the tail for his overly polite nature.
but when it comes to this particular topic, he's a little more particular about the details, just because of how close they are to his heart. while it seems there are many similarities between what "Stands" are and what rika is... johnny's confusion here gives yuuta the impression that they definitely aren't the same thing. because, as a cursed spirit, rika hadn't been unique โ there have always been vengeful cursed spirits throughout japanese history, those whose grudges had caused them to persist after their mortal deaths, with yuuta's (very distant, very vague) ancestor being one of the most well-known.
he blinks, tilts his head a degree or two to one side, and replies slowly, ) Well, yeah... Before that, she was just my friend. ( okay, that description is a little toothless. yuuta isn't a coward. ) She was - the girl I was going to marry one day.
One: Rika definitely isn't a Stand. Or, at least, probably isn't. The nature of how Stands come into being isn't clear to him, but he strongly doubts Rika was any kind of saint whose body somehow gave Yuuta power after her passing. In other words, she's some sort of for-real ghost, which makes Yuuta some sort of for-real necromancer, in Johnny's eyes. It's fortunate that he's not particularly religious, despite going to church through his youth like a good southern boy, or this would be terrifying.
Two: He totally just called Yuuta's girlfriend ugly to his face, didn't he...?
Johnny blinks a few times and tries not to look completely taken aback by this information. ]
S-seriously? She's your fiancee?
[ should he feel sorry for Yuuta?! He doesn't know how he should be feeling!! (Except guilty for calling her ugly. He is feeling that.) ]
Edited (*picks up my dropped parenthesis*) 2022-07-22 03:43 (UTC)
( well, johnny, she had not looked like that when they were kids, so he's not that offended? there had been plenty of years that he had coexisted with rika and the curse tangled between them, especially those in the beginning, that he had also been terrified of her. when it became apparent that she was more of a danger to everything around him, he then transitioned into being terrified of what she was capable of doing to others.
sometimes it hurts him to think about, but he had known her longer as a cursed spirit than he had as a human being. in all that time, he had stopped finding her frightening and monstrous as he had in the beginning. regardless of how she looked or how viciously she acted, it had always been in defense of him, out of her protective love for him. he'd loved her too, despite it all or perhaps because of it. sometimes he had selfish moments where he wishes they could have had more time like that together, but โ no. it had been right to undo her curse as soon as he realized he was the one that had put it on her in the first place.
he hadn't told johnny this wanting to shame him, or tell him off, or make him feel bad. at first he speaks on embarrassed reflex, scratching at the back of his head, )Fiancee... That makes it sound so formal... ( he has to take a moment to consider how to continue, and when he does, his voice is measured and gentle. )
She was, yeah. After she died, I - unknowingly cursed her, preventing her soul from passing on and keeping it close to me instead. But a year ago, I'd realized what I'd done, and I released her from that curse. She's... gone now. But, um - ah, I know it's a sad story, but it's okay. ( he smiles faintly. ) I got more time with her than I would have otherwise.
The "Rika" I just showed you now ... It looks a little bit like how she used to look, and it sounds like her, but I realized pretty quickly she's not really "in" there anymore. She... can't talk to me, the way she used to. I'm not really sure why I can still summon it, but - maybe it's something like something she left behind to watch after me.
( he shrugs. he isn't sure, and it's a perfect mystery to the other sorcerers at the jujutsu society as well. )
[ Johnny's a very guarded person, generally; Yuuta sharing something that must be so intimate is, once again, unexpected. Definitely not something he'd be doing, were their positions switched. Not that he could even explain Tusk if he wanted to. If he told Yuuta that he absorbed Jesus Christ's mummified arm into his body and had his soul summarily granted power through it, then he'd definitely think Johnny was crazy. Even Johnny feels like he might be sort of crazy. Instead, he just quietly listens as Yuuta shares his sad story.
So Rika is her, but not really her - not anymore. He's alone. Again, if their roles were switched... he doesn't know if he'd be able to say goodbye to someone like that. (Or maybe he's being sentimental. Axl Ro would have killed him if he was so unable to let go...) ]
... You were really okay just letting her go like that? [ a beat. ] I mean -- I guess keeping her with you was bad for her. That ghost didn't look happy. Still...
[ was Rika lonely, too? Is she in Heaven now, or something? Johnny isn't sure he believes in things like that anymore. He pauses, awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. ]
Uh... I'm sorry. That that happened to you. You don't have to talk about it or anything.
( he can be a little dense and obtuse sometimes, but in this instance, it's not as though he's ignorant of how personal the information he's sharing is. it's not very difficult to say, especially since his closest friends back home had been there and present for much of the unfolding of it. that, and... he'd hidden himself away for so long, only in the presence of other people when it was socially expected or demanded of him, that he'd unwittingly starved himself of the simple pleasure of speaking to another person about things that you were going through. he likes to act like the events of last year are all behind him, that he's suddenly climbed on top of the mountain of grief that he wandered around the base of for all of those years after rika's death, but... it's more complicated than that. grief is not so much like an obstacle that one overcomes โ it's a lifelong process, and one that can get a great deal easier with time, but there will always be small things and certain times that cause it to become harder as well.
so there's something bizarrely liberating to talk about it, but he also doesn't think he can make any sense of what rika is unless he explains some of the reason why the cursed spirit existed in the first place.
he smiles, the expression worn and gentle with the familiarity that time grants him when thinking about this. he decides... not to tell johnny that he had nearly gone with her. if maki's hand wasn't there to fall on his shoulder and stop him, with toge and panda at her side, there to entreat him to stay... it's hard to say what he might have done, what he might be doing now. rika had told him not to come to her side too soon, and he's doing his best to follow that directive, but โ he's sure she was sad to be separated from him as well, wherever she is now. )
I guess I learned that... sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
( it's natural for the heart to want the opposite. it's a blind, instinctual thing, desperate for comfort and fearful of pain. he had been the same as a child... he just also had the power to keep her with him by force. what he'd done to her had been violent and controlling, even if he had done it unknowingly and out of love. so her love had similarly become violent and controlling; it had hurt countless people, even killed others. he carries that guilt, along with the guilt of having done that to her in the first place. regardless, now is about the time that he does get at least a little self-conscious and awkward about foisting so much on a new friend. he shifts his weight from one foot to another, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with one of his hands. ) No, I'm sorry... It's not really an easy or pleasant story to hear, I know. It's just kind of hard explaining what "Rika" is without explaining where she came from.
Regardless, Johnny... I'm glad that you talked to me about this. Um, I'll be sure not to tell anyone about it. ( since he'd been so cloak and daggers about telling him, he has to assume he'd want to keep it down-low as much as possible...? )
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yuuta seems to accept johnny's advice, but he does so with obvious conflict written on his face. it's not that he's unaware of situations like these. he had been a ready tool of the jujustu society, both because it was expected as him as a student of their school but also because, as special grade, it meant there were things only someone like he could do. but as his teacher had told him, its higher-ups were overly conservative and reactionary โ the same old men that would've had him executed due to the curse that he bore a little over a year ago now ironically relied on him to carry out their judgments. gojou, as uncontrollable as he was due to his power, had been a rogue element to them, and he had passed that nature and that wariness on to his student. don't always trust those in power, especially those that have had it for a long time. they will rarely do what is in your best interest.
it feels different, somehow. it's not as though the sorcerers' struggle against curse users and cursed spirits wasn't important โ at the time that he'd been taken from his world, it had reached a point where it might result in a global extermination of all mundane, non-sorcerer people. they fought for similarly dire reasons here, but... they had so little information, so few resources, such scant direction. it makes him want to trust who they do have, but...
johnny is right. doing so would just open them up to risk. )
...Mm. ( he hadn't commented himself, but he had read dextera's Communion discussion on his doubts about the Pleroma. he understands. it's so hard to trust something you can't see, can't speak to, can't reason with, but... if they can't trust it, or what it stands for, then what's the point? ) You're right. I know. It's just - even if we don't trust in it, or in the resistance, or anything else... we at the very least need to try to trust one another. Us Aions allied under it. With what we're up against... We just won't have any chance unless we do at least that.
( his companion's comment about rika breaks through his sudden severity. his expression changes, growing warm and worn around the edges; an affection that has existed for so long that it has formed an impression in his expression, and one he falls into quickly at the sound of her name. ) Yeah. She hasn't let much happen to me in the last ten years, so - don't worry about me. I've always got someone watching my back.
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Yeah, well... I might be right, but you're not wrong, either. [ a small sigh, and he shakes his head briefly, dismissive. ] I'm just used to shit going belly-up when we get too cozy. Don't worry about it.
[ he's not too proud to admit that it colors how he sees things - he's well aware of it. Unfortunately, being aware of it doesn't mean he's been able to stop feeling like disaster's always right around the corner. But he knows it's in his head - or, at the very least, that not everybody has a disaster waiting. Besides, if nothing else, Yuuta's right that they don't have a chance alone.
He'd rather talk about Rika than what the right thing to do in their situation is. At least that topic has some concrete answers and isn't an existential threat. ]
You've had her for ten years? Damn... I've only had Tusk for a few months. [ he's not sure what to make of that really gentle expression on Yuuta's face...? one would think they were talking about his wife and not his Stand. Or, not Stand - what did he call it? ] You must be a really good "juju sorcerer," then.
[ good try ]
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I understand. I think you're right to be cautious. It's just that... I want to feel like I can trust you and the others. All of this - will become much worse, if that isn't the case.
( considering the fact that they have more than one reason to even suspect the very force that they were supposedly meant to represent... this is the baseline of what yuuta wants. he's out of his depth, fighting for some sort of spiritual ideal. but if he can picture in his mind's eye people that he has at his side and at his back, that he cares for and that he likes to think care for him... he'll be able to do just about anything. he just needs that much.
because they've all got disaster on the horizon, no matter what. there's only two boons that they have for that: the fact that they know it's coming, and the fact that they can work together to prepare for it.
he has to laugh. "juju sorcerer"... yeah, he tried his best. ) That's what I'm told. ( yuuta's humility prevents him from agreeing too readily, though he would at least admit that he's one of only four sorcerers that share his rank. his smile spreads, though it's the sort that does so more out of awkwardness than anything else. he chuckles, nervous. ) "Had her"... That's not really how I would put it. I mean, she was a cursed spirit for six or so of those, but I've known her since I was six... ( the plot thickens. )
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his nerves are apparent, and Johnny doesn't really grasp why, outside of plain old humility. The explanation doesn't clear up the reason, either. In fact, it only makes Johnny more confused. His brows pinch together. ]
Wait... what do you mean, she was a cursed spirit for six? You mean she was "something else" before she was a Stand...?
[ the idea of him developing a Stand naturally isn't totally outside of the question - Johnny hasn't met anyone like that, but that has to be how the Saint's powers appeared originally, right? - but the idea of someone or something turning into one is. Maybe they're not as similar as he thought, after all. ]
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but when it comes to this particular topic, he's a little more particular about the details, just because of how close they are to his heart. while it seems there are many similarities between what "Stands" are and what rika is... johnny's confusion here gives yuuta the impression that they definitely aren't the same thing. because, as a cursed spirit, rika hadn't been unique โ there have always been vengeful cursed spirits throughout japanese history, those whose grudges had caused them to persist after their mortal deaths, with yuuta's (very distant, very vague) ancestor being one of the most well-known.
he blinks, tilts his head a degree or two to one side, and replies slowly, ) Well, yeah... Before that, she was just my friend. ( okay, that description is a little toothless. yuuta isn't a coward. ) She was - the girl I was going to marry one day.
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One: Rika definitely isn't a Stand. Or, at least, probably isn't. The nature of how Stands come into being isn't clear to him, but he strongly doubts Rika was any kind of saint whose body somehow gave Yuuta power after her passing. In other words, she's some sort of for-real ghost, which makes Yuuta some sort of for-real necromancer, in Johnny's eyes. It's fortunate that he's not particularly religious, despite going to church through his youth like a good southern boy, or this would be terrifying.
Two: He totally just called Yuuta's girlfriend ugly to his face, didn't he...?
Johnny blinks a few times and tries not to look completely taken aback by this information. ]
S-seriously? She's your fiancee?
[ should he feel sorry for Yuuta?! He doesn't know how he should be feeling!! (Except guilty for calling her ugly. He is feeling that.) ]
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sometimes it hurts him to think about, but he had known her longer as a cursed spirit than he had as a human being. in all that time, he had stopped finding her frightening and monstrous as he had in the beginning. regardless of how she looked or how viciously she acted, it had always been in defense of him, out of her protective love for him. he'd loved her too, despite it all or perhaps because of it. sometimes he had selfish moments where he wishes they could have had more time like that together, but โ no. it had been right to undo her curse as soon as he realized he was the one that had put it on her in the first place.
he hadn't told johnny this wanting to shame him, or tell him off, or make him feel bad. at first he speaks on embarrassed reflex, scratching at the back of his head, ) Fiancee... That makes it sound so formal... ( he has to take a moment to consider how to continue, and when he does, his voice is measured and gentle. )
She was, yeah. After she died, I - unknowingly cursed her, preventing her soul from passing on and keeping it close to me instead. But a year ago, I'd realized what I'd done, and I released her from that curse. She's... gone now. But, um - ah, I know it's a sad story, but it's okay. ( he smiles faintly. ) I got more time with her than I would have otherwise.
The "Rika" I just showed you now ... It looks a little bit like how she used to look, and it sounds like her, but I realized pretty quickly she's not really "in" there anymore. She... can't talk to me, the way she used to. I'm not really sure why I can still summon it, but - maybe it's something like something she left behind to watch after me.
( he shrugs. he isn't sure, and it's a perfect mystery to the other sorcerers at the jujutsu society as well. )
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So Rika is her, but not really her - not anymore. He's alone. Again, if their roles were switched... he doesn't know if he'd be able to say goodbye to someone like that. (Or maybe he's being sentimental. Axl Ro would have killed him if he was so unable to let go...) ]
... You were really okay just letting her go like that? [ a beat. ] I mean -- I guess keeping her with you was bad for her. That ghost didn't look happy. Still...
[ was Rika lonely, too? Is she in Heaven now, or something? Johnny isn't sure he believes in things like that anymore. He pauses, awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. ]
Uh... I'm sorry. That that happened to you. You don't have to talk about it or anything.
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so there's something bizarrely liberating to talk about it, but he also doesn't think he can make any sense of what rika is unless he explains some of the reason why the cursed spirit existed in the first place.
he smiles, the expression worn and gentle with the familiarity that time grants him when thinking about this. he decides... not to tell johnny that he had nearly gone with her. if maki's hand wasn't there to fall on his shoulder and stop him, with toge and panda at her side, there to entreat him to stay... it's hard to say what he might have done, what he might be doing now. rika had told him not to come to her side too soon, and he's doing his best to follow that directive, but โ he's sure she was sad to be separated from him as well, wherever she is now. )
I guess I learned that... sometimes loving someone means letting them go.
( it's natural for the heart to want the opposite. it's a blind, instinctual thing, desperate for comfort and fearful of pain. he had been the same as a child... he just also had the power to keep her with him by force. what he'd done to her had been violent and controlling, even if he had done it unknowingly and out of love. so her love had similarly become violent and controlling; it had hurt countless people, even killed others. he carries that guilt, along with the guilt of having done that to her in the first place. regardless, now is about the time that he does get at least a little self-conscious and awkward about foisting so much on a new friend. he shifts his weight from one foot to another, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt with one of his hands. ) No, I'm sorry... It's not really an easy or pleasant story to hear, I know. It's just kind of hard explaining what "Rika" is without explaining where she came from.
Regardless, Johnny... I'm glad that you talked to me about this. Um, I'll be sure not to tell anyone about it. ( since he'd been so cloak and daggers about telling him, he has to assume he'd want to keep it down-low as much as possible...? )